Self-Leadership Is the First Leadership

Every leader wants to believe they’re setting the tone for their organization. But here’s a truth many don’t want to face:

If you can’t lead yourself, you’ll never successfully lead others.

That’s what Tina Caul and I unpacked in our conversation on Unlocked. And it’s a principle I’ve seen play out again and again inside leadership teams.

The Trap of Externalizing Problems

When I step into a new client engagement, one of the first things I do is observe. And without fail, I see leaders pointing fingers.

• “This department just won’t cooperate.”

• “That employee is the reason deadlines keep slipping.”

• “If only we had more talent, this would work.”

Sound familiar?

It’s easy to externalize problems. It’s harder to ask the real question: “What was my role in this issue?”

Tina nailed it when she said, “Self-leadership is the first leadership.” Her leadership team knows they can’t hold others accountable until they hold themselves accountable first.

How Lack of Self-Leadership Shows Up

When leaders avoid owning their part, it shows up in predictable ways:

• Defensiveness in meetings. Instead of listening, they argue.

• Trigger reactivity. They let emotions override good judgment.

• Blame-shifting. They always find someone else to carry the burden.

• Avoidance. They sidestep tough conversations entirely.

The result? Stalled growth, toxic culture, and frustrated teams.

The Mindset Shift

So, how do you develop self-leadership?

1. Start With Radical Ownership.
   When something goes wrong, assume there’s at least a piece of it you could have done differently. Own that piece first.

2. Seek Feedback — With Love.
   In Tina’s culture, feedback comes “with love.” That framing allows leaders to give and receive critique without defensiveness.

3. Find the 5% That’s True.
   Even if you disagree with 95% of feedback, there’s usually 5% worth considering. Identify it, and test it with a trusted peer.

4. Build Versatility.
   Leadership isn’t about making everyone adapt to you. It’s about adapting yourself to meet people where they are.
   
   

Real-World Example

One of Tina’s leaders once clashed with an agent. The easy move would have been to write the agent off as “difficult.” Instead, the leader asked, “What was my role in this conflict?”

That reframing changed everything. They recognized that their tone had been dismissive, and with a small adjustment, the relationship improved dramatically.

Multiply that by dozens of interactions, and you start to see why self-leadership matters.

The Ripple Effect

Here’s the beauty: when a leadership team embraces self-leadership, it doesn’t just improve their own performance. It changes the culture of the entire company.

Employees stop waiting for someone else to fix things. They start asking, “What can I do differently?” Silos break down. Accountability strengthens. Trust grows.

Self-leadership isn’t just the first leadership. It’s the foundation of a scalable, healthy organization.

Visionary, look in the mirror. Are you leading yourself with the same rigor you expect from your team? If not, that’s where your work begins.

Want more conversations like this? Subscribe to Unlocked with Kristyn Drennen on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube — and share this episode with a visionary leader who needs to hear it.